A Broken Seraphic

*The following story contains graphic imagery and content read at your own risk*

*Touches on Domestic Violence/ Graphic Symbolism & Fake Blood*

In 2022 I met a man who I thought was going to be my forever. He was sweet, gentle, charming, and spoke on becoming a better person through therapy to heal from past childhood trauma. This appealed to me. I didn't have the best childhood; I struggled a lot with mental health and I too wanted to work on being a better version of myself. We confined in eachother and grew close very, very, quickly. He was older, I thought wiser and more mature. I was naive and really just wanted someone to show me love and affection I didn't feel at home.

We moved in to his apartment a few months after starting to see eachother. Looking back I know it was rushed. I felt like he understood me and he saw me the way no one else cared to. I told him all my woes, my fears, my pains, and my struggles. What I didn't know was he was building a blue print to use against me, a blue print I created by discussing things I struggled with in confidance. A blue print I didn't agree to craft. A blue print I didn't know existed, on how to wound me in the future.

It started with little things like, that person isn't good to you, cut them out. To things that I enjoyed such as hobbies, video games, my music taste, spending time with my old roommate and going to events. I was slowly making little changes over time to myself and my personality to suit his naritive. It got to the point where even my belongings were disgarded or left behind when we moved to another town. He moved us an hour and a half away from my family. I didn't see the little signs until it was too late. We hardly argued, we looked from the outside like a perfect couple. Until, he started to used my past against me. He would scream at me for days on end, sometimes I didn't sleep for over 24 hours at a time when these nights would stir up.

These nights turned into shaming me, blaming my family, threatning his life, threatning other peoples lives, and more. It got to the point where it was effecting me working and keeping my job. He threatend my boss over the phone one night becasue she told me to smile while I was greiving the loss of his brother, who I got very close with as he was passing. His brother at one point was my only friend left in the world I was living.

After the passing of his brother things got physical. More sleepless nights. I was blamed for everything. I was why he couldn't sleep, I was the reason he was yelling, I was the reason for everything that was wrong. I didn't at the time understand his crulty so, I chalked it up to him greiving. But, in reality he was now free to show his true colour becasue; we were now 100% alone. It stopped being physical for a few months so, I naturally felt like the worst was past us and things seemed to go back to "normal".

Until September. We planned to sell the house. We wanted to move to Nova Scotia or some place out East that was more affordable. Somewhere we could be "self sufficient". I no longer had a job beacues he wouldn't let me work. But, he still made me apply for jobs and told me I was "Useless and leaching off" of him. I needed to make myself "useful". I did all the repairs to our damaged home and fixed up the yard on next to no sleep. I wasn't allowed to eat, sleep, shower, or spend time with my dog Rexton without his okay at this point.

I was so sleep deprived I'm surprised I didn't just pass out from sitting down. It had been days since I showered, ate, or slept. In October one night he snapped. He took off in my car, came back, and beat the snot out of me (to save the gory details) for hours on end. He stopped around 2/3 AM. All for him to make me lie about my past experiences, to erace my history like a browser history delete button. At 7am the next morning I had an interview in another town 45 mins away. He made me go, beaten, bruised, bloody, tired, in pain and hungry. I went. It took me a few days after convincing my ex to take me to the hospital to get my injuries looked at. I lied to the doctors and said I crashed my bike, secretly hoping someone would see through my lies and my other bruises and the fatigue. I was internally screaming for someone to say something and help me.

A few days after that I went to see my father. The day I wen't to see my dad he had had connected some dots from seeing me that things were bad, just not how bad. So, he handed me $700.00 and told me not to tell him I had the cash, and use it as an emergency fund. So, I hid it. My father giving me that money, and the look in Rextons eyes as I hid with him in the bathroom on several occasions crying, made me plan my escape.

December 13th, 2023 I left. A long day, ended with me at my cousins in the middle of the night with my dog, eating a can of soup, a hot long shower, and laying in bed reading and listening to the 100's of texts he sent me when he realised I was gone. As much as I wanted to sleep I struggled. A lot happened that day more than I can write about.

This brutal life experience inspired me to create this self portrait. Originally for the Self Portrait Assignment at the end of term one (of my first year at Fanshawe College). The brief was to create a creative self portrait. I hate being on the other side of the camera as a photographer so, this was a difficult feat. I had other ideas racking my brain. Coming up to the second year anniversary of leaving, I thought what if I did a piece inspired by this. Representing tragedy and the struggle of making it out of a domestic situation alive.

Symbolism:

• I chose the Seraphic to represent myself in this image. Not becasue I believe im this perfect angel but, becasue of the other meanings this word has. Defined as a person with a gentle nature is what comes up within the googles definition. How could someone hurt someone that loves them and is gentle in nature? Unfortunatly, people with those types of nature tend to become victims to this unfortunate circumstance. That is why I chose Seraphic as the subject and in the title. To symbolize a pure being in agony and wounded by another.

  
  

• The second symbol here is the fact she doesn't have a second wing. In its place there is a golden sword. Being gold it symbolizes the high athority the person weilding it had, someone typically of a higher rank. Symbolizing the damage done by someone you trusted, charished, held so high, and loved deeply. Creating the loss of freedom and flight but, also stabbing the person who admired, and loved them in the back.

  
  

• The loss of an eye in this image shows being blind to the reality. Someone taking your vision of them and showing thier true colours. Victims are often blind sided or see this person with so much love they make excuses as to why this person is the way they are. It symbolizes the blindness of love and trusting the wrong person.

  
  

• Lastly, the isolation of the subject on her knees barly alive, in agony symbolized the pain of leaving. The hurt that comes with making the desision to leave someone you love. The hurt that comes from knowing if you didn't leave you would surly die form the hand of the person you loved. Symbolizing the strength of getting away from the abuse, but the exhaustion that follows. The pain of grief, shock, and starting over again in worse shape than you were before.

A Broken Seraphic: Self Portrait

Why share this deeply personal and tragic experience on my website?

Because, maybe someone who reads this has a similar experience and can relate to my story. What if someone struggling feels alone and wavers on making that judgement call. I hope that my story can give someone the strength to get away. To know that even if leaving leaves you looking hurt and broken, there is happiness, strength, and a whole other world waiting for you in the after. Leaving was the best desision I made. Was I homeless for a while? yes. Was it lonley? Sometimes, sure. But, making the right choices for you as hard as it may be and feel, creates a stronger more powerful version of You!

Being afraid is normal. Not feeling strong enough to leave and fearing the aftermath is normal. You are stronger than you think. You are not weak, you are tired, you are struggling, you are in survival mode. That is okay. You may feel like you are alone right now but, truth is you are never alone. Womens shelters are safe, the police will do their best, there are resourses out there to help you get back on your feet, and heal. Therapy is provided in Ontario through Victim Services, take them and use them. The best thing I did for myself was use those sessions as soon as I could. It helped me stay away and process the events and navigate my next moves.

It's not easy, Im not going to sugar coat that. But, true freedom is when you deside you are worth so much more then how that person is treating you. It just takes time. I am still dealing with the aftermath 2.5 years later However; Im healing, and in 6 months I had a place of my own, in a year and a half I went back to school twice, in 2 years I moved to a better place with my dogs, and I am thriving with the supports I had along the way. Asking for help is okay! I encourage it. I of all people know it gets exhausting in this long journey, it can feel lonley to someone who was so dependant of their abuser. Remind yourself that you are strong, you are brave, you are alive, you are safe, you are going to get through the rough and become that beautiful diamond you were always meant to be.

Thank you for reading to the end of this blog post. I know for some this may hit a little too close to home, and was a tough read. It may stir up some emotions. Art is created to make people feel, relate, and give voice to those who may not always have one. That is where the Rexton Studio Co. slogan come in. I want to show you as my future clients that You are ART! I want to capture the Art of You! Remember you truly are a masterpiece.

Kenzie Lavalliere

Owner /Lead Photographer

Rexton Studio Co.